Cosmic Love, and how to deal with the world after a bad experience

I am starting my blog today with this music video, I heard this song for the first time here in Guatemala, and at that point I really, really loved Guatemala and everything about this country. I still do, but I guess in a less naive way. A more mature and awake way, and I realized it better now that I am out in the world alone again, with no securities or safetynets whatsoever to catch me and save me. Today I did something HUGE, in my eyes anyway. If you know how it is to stare a pistol in the "eye" and having to give over everything that ensures food on the table and a roof over your head for the night you will understand my feeling of having done something HUGE! So, for 3 weeks I have been, most of the time, sitting on my ass in my friends house. Yes, I have been out every day, to not develop fear of people and streets, and, I have been ALL THE WAY to the capital.. Guatemala City, 3 times in fact. I enjoyed the first 2 times because I was in company of my friends. Both times we visited, among other places, my embassy, and the 2nd time at the embassy I got my passport. The 3rd time I went to Guate by myself, to the immigrationoffice to get a extention in my passport because of the 90 days for the 4 Central American countries Nicaragua, Honduras, El Salvador and Guatemala are now as one, and when you enter one of the countries and get a stamp for 90 days, it means that you have 90 days for all 4 of them! And my 90 days are up today. I didn´t get my new 90 days...even when I explained that I am here because of a robbery, and I don´t have many other options than to stay close. The very document that is the key to m y freedom and stay in the CA4 countries is my visacard, my garuantee that I have money is lost, and I don´t have a flight out to prove that I will leave the zone after another 90 days. That day was horrible. I took the chickenbus alone to Guate, had to get on a bus from somewhere I didn´t know to another place I didn´t know (I only know that immigration is in zona 4), and then get rejected as a tourist here! I was told to find an internet cafe to reserve me a flight to Norway, in stead I got lost and foud the Metrobus instead that I took to Trebol to find a bus back home. All the time with my precious passport on me. I was feeling sick with nerviousness, and I didn´t know how to reserve a ticket for a flight online without a creditcard! So I have a ticket to Mexico tomorrow, it´s a very expencive option for me in this situation, but it is less hassel! And after 3 days I can reenter the CA4 countries.

So back to my brave move today; After waiting in vain for 3 weeks for a visacard that will probably never show up (or show up in 3 months) because it has been sendt by my bank by regular mail... to an unorganized country like this (but to the ROYAL Norwegian Embassy, if that counts)! in stead of by an international courier service. I am in an emergency, and my visacard is lost somewhere between Denmark and God knows where (I know because of the fantastic electronic tracking system that is NOT able to track down my visacard!!). So, on Monday my embassy said that it´s better to throw in the towel and give up on that card and ask the bank for a new one. This time sendt in a more sane way. And then yesterday when I felt like I have sunken SO far down as I can come in this situation I had to fight back tears and remind myself to accept my reality and stay strong! All the humiliation that I´ve felt, the big dent in my (probably too big) pride, the robbery of my independence and security. For a moment it was just too much but I awouided the I-feel-sorry-for-me-trap and decided that if I have to wait, and if my life is going to be rocky from now on I might as well go to Mexico, get my stamp. Buy a new camera (Nike with touchscreeen and HD filming :)) and be free enjoy El Salvador, which was a country I originally decided not to visit and make the best out of it. And today it hit me full strength what happened to me. You see, while still in Chimal, I could push it away a bit. Hang in the house, get lost in books, meditate, enjoy the delicious coffe at San Lucas Caffe at the Pradera in Chimal and watch movies. Only when I when outside I felt more selfconcious when men stared. And got scared one day someone grabbed me when I walked Skookie (my frineds dog). But today when I had the rest of my things packed, I waited half the day to go out. Even before I walked out the door my body trembeled and my stomac crunched in ways that I never felt before, but my instinct told me that it was TIME. I relived every moment of my last venture out to take the only busses that leaves Chimal, the chickenbusses, for other destinations, and when the bussdrivers hjelper took my backpack of my back to put it on top of the bus, I had to stop myself from screaming "robbery"! As long as the bus stopped, lingered and cruised slowly to pick up more people in Chimal I felt I hardly could breath. I didn´t feel completly free until I was at my destination in Guate, from where I will travel for the first time with a Ticabus tomorrow at noon to a small town in Mexico. Now I can see how to turn everything around. i just hope the weather isn´t too bad by the time I get down south.

a poem to go with the song :)

UNDER THE MILKY WAY:

By nightfall
You`ll hear me call
My senses sharp and alert
Every touch on my body hurt
From the overload of impulses,
That runs through my body
My everlonging body

In a haze
I catch a glimse of your gaze
Catch a drop of sweat
From your neck, it`s wet
And the drop that drips
From your lips
With a kiss
Oh, what a bliss

I catch your silent moan with my ear
And all my fear
dissapear
The silkenmost tender sound
Made from the love we found
I catch my breath by the sight of you
You are my hearts tatoo
And I catch the stars for my wishes
To feel your tender kisses
And the moon in my golden cup
For you to fill up

I catch a minute in the eternity and make it last
I forget my past
Catch a ride with the moon
With all the stars looking on, we`re in this room
On a rainy day
Under the light of the Milky Way

By Linda Sedolfsen
30. oct. - 5. nov. 2009